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Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from
one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral
condition that affects an individual�s ability to have a healthy,
mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as �relationship
addiction� because people with codependency often form or maintain
relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or
abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as
the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in
families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by
watching and imitating other family members who display this type
of behavior.
Who Does Co-Dependency
Affect?
Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend,
or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence.
Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in
chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with
an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in
relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today,
however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person
from any dysfunctional family.
What is a Dysfunctional Family
and How Does it Lead to Co-Dependency?
A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear,
anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying
problems may include any of the following:
- An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol,
relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
- The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
- The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental
or physical illness.
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist.
They don�t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family
members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs.
They become �survivors.� They develop behaviors that help them
deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves.
They don�t talk. They don�t touch. They don�t confront. They don�t
feel. They don�t trust. The identity and emotional development of
the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited.
Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or
addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her
needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents
place other people�s health, welfare and safety before their own,
they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of
self.
How Do Co-Dependent People
Behave?
Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside
of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to �be
themselves.� Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or
nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive
behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual
activity.
They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who
is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive
and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr�s role and
become �benefactors� to an individual in need. A wife may cover for
her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant
child; or a father may �pull some strings� to keep his child from
suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.
The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the
needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become
even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the
�benefactor.� As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops
a sense of reward and satisfaction from �being needed.� When the
caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless
and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from
the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves
as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and
friendship relationships.
Characteristics of Co-Dependent
People Are:
- An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of
others.
- A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to
�love� people they can pity and rescue.
- A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.
- A tendency to become hurt when people don�t recognize their
efforts.
- An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will
do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of
abandonment.
- An extreme need for approval and recognition.
- A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
- A compelling need to control others.
- Lack of trust in self and/or others.
- Fear of being abandoned or alone.
- Difficulty identifying feelings.
- Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
- Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
- Chronic anger.
- Lying/dishonesty.
- Poor communications
- Difficulty making decisions.
Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of
Co-Dependency
This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the
intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to
an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified
professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone
experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others� opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug
problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles
you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or
home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with
friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to
others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a �bad person� when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a
mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your
constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things
done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as
the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with
your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying �no� when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can�t do
justice to any of them?
If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied
with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking
professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a
licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating
co-dependency.
How is Co-Dependency
Treated?
Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person�s childhood,
treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues
and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns.
Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual
and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves
and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also
focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that
have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family
dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range
of feelings again.
When Co-Dependency Hits Home
The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is understanding
it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to
educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how
it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol
abuse treatment centers and mental health centers often offer
educational materials and programs to the public.
A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and
his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables
abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped.
The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and
needs. This may include learning to say �no,� to be loving yet
tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love,
and serenity in their recovery.
Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand
co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching
out for information and assistance can help someone live a
healthier, more fulfilling life.
For More Information:
Contact your local Mental Health Association, community mental
health center, or:
National Mental Health
Association
2001 N. Beauregard Street, 12th Floor
Alexandria, VA 22311
Phone 703/684-7722
Fax 703/684-5968
Mental Health Resource Center 800/969-NMHA
TTY Line 800/433-5959
Co-Dependents Anonymous
PO Box 33577
Phoenix, AZ 85067
Phone: (602) 277-7991
Family
Support America
20 North Wacker Drive, Suite 1100
Chicago, IL 60606
Phone: 312-338-0900
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