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In our hearts, we all know that death is a part of life. In
fact, death gives meaning to our existence because it reminds us
how precious life is.
Coping with Loss
The loss of a loved one is life's most stressful event and can
cause a major emotional crisis. After the death of someone you
love, you experience bereavement, which literally means "to be
deprived by death."
Knowing What To
Expect
When a death takes place, you may experience a wide range of
emotions, even when the death is expected. Many people report
feeling an initial stage of numbness after first learning of a
death, but there is no real order to the grieving process.
Some emotions you may
experience include:
- Denial
- Disbelief
- Confusion
- Shock
- Sadness
- Yearning
- Anger
- Humiliation
- Despair
- Guilt
These feelings are normal and are common reactions to
loss. You may not be prepared for the intensity and duration of
your emotions or how swiftly your moods may change. You may even
begin to doubt the stability of your mental health. But be assured
that these feelings are healthy and appropriate. These feelings and
expressions of powerful emotions help you come to terms with your
loss. Remember
Mourning A Loved One
It is not easy to cope after a loved one dies. You will mourn
and grieve. Mourning is the natural process you go through to
accept a major loss. Mourning may include religious traditions
honoring the dead or gathering with friends and family to share
your loss. Mourning is personal and may last months or years.
Grieving is the outward expression of your loss. Your grief is
likely to be expressed both physically and psychologically. For
instance, crying is a physical expression, while depression is a
psychological expression.
It is very important to allow yourself to express your feelings.
Often, death is a subject that is avoided, ignored or denied. At
first it may seem helpful to separate yourself from the pain or
ignore your feelings, but you cannot avoid grieving forever.
Someday those buried feelings will need to be resolved or they may
cause physical or emotional illness.
Many people report physical symptoms that accompany grief.
Stomach pain, loss of appetite, intestinal upsets. sleep
disturbances and loss of energy are all common symptoms of acute
grief. Of all life's stresses, mourning can seriously test your
natural defense systems. Existing illnesses may worsen or new
conditions may develop.
Profound emotional reactions may occur. These reactions include
anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, depression and thoughts of
suicide. An obsession with the deceased is also a common reaction
to death.
Dealing With a Major
Loss
The death of a loved one is always difficult. Your reactions are
influenced by the circumstances of a death, particularly when it is
sudden or accidental. Your reactions also are influenced by your
relationship with the person who died.
- A child 's death arouses an overwhelming sense of injustice for
lost potential, unfulfilled dreams and senseless suffering. Parents
may feel responsible for the child's death, no matter how
irrational that may seem. Parents may also feel that they have lost
a vital part of their own identity.
- A spouse's death is very traumatic. In addition to the severe
emotional shock, the death may cause a potential financial crisis
if the spouse was the family's main income source. The death may
necessitate major social adjustments requiring the surviving spouse
to parent alone, adjust to single life and maybe even return to
work.
- Elderly people may be especially vulnerable when they lose a
spouse because it means losing a lifetinie of shared experiences.
At this time, feelings of loneliness may be compounded by the death
of close friends.
- A loss due to suicide can be one of the most difficult losses
to bear. It may leave the survivors with a tremendous burden of
guilt, anger and shame. They may even feel responsible for the
death. Often, survivors benefit from professional advice to cope
with this devastating experience. Seeking counseling as a family
unit during the first weeks after the suicide is particularly
beneficial and advisable.
Living With Grief
Coping with death is vital to your mental health. It is only
natural to experience grief when a loved one dies. The best thing
you can do is allow yourself to grieve. There are many ways to cope
effectively with your pain.
- Seek out caring people. Find relatives and friends who can
understand your feelings of loss. Join support groups with others
who are experiencing similar losses.
- Express your feelings. Tell others how you are feeling; it will
help you to work through the grieving process.
- Take care of your health. Maintain regular contact with your
family physician and be sure to eat well and get plenty of rest. Be
aware of the danger of developing a dependence on medication or
alcohol to deal with your grief.
- Accept that life is for the living. It takes effort to begin to
live again in the present and not dwell on the past.
- Postpone major life changes. Try to hold off on making any
major changes, such as moving, remarrying, changing jobs or having
another child. You should give yourself time to adjust to your
loss.
- Be patient. It can take months or even years to absorb a major
loss and accept your changed life.
- Seek outside help when necessary. If your grief seems like it
is too much to bear, seek professional assistance to help come to
terms with your loss and work through your grief. It's a sign of
strength, not weakness, to seek help.
Helping Others
Grieve
If someone you care about has lost a loved one, you can help
them through the grieving process.
- Share the sorrow. Allow them - even encourage them - to talk
about their feelings of loss and share memories of the
deceased.
- Don't offer false comfort. It doesn 't help the grieving person
when you say "it was for the best" or "you'll get over it in time."
Instead, offer a simple expression of sorrow and take time to
listen.
- Offer practical help. Baby-sitting, cooking and running errands
are all ways to help someone who is in the midst of grieving.
- Be patient. Remember that it can take a long time to recover
from a major loss. Make yourself available to talk.
- Encourage professional help when necessary. Don't hesitate to
recommend professional help when you feel someone is experiencing
too much pain to cope alone.
Helping Children
Grieve
Children who experience a major loss may grieve differently than
adults. A parent's death can be particularly difficult for small
children, affecting their sense of security or survival. Often,
they are confused about the changes they see taking place around
them, particularly if well-meaning adults try to protect them from
the truth or from their surviving parent's display of grief.
Limited understanding and an inability to express feelings puts
very young children at a special disadvantage. Young children may
revert to earlier behaviors (such as bed-wetting), ask questions
about the deceased that seem insensitive, invent games about dying
or pretend that the death never happened. Coping with a child's
grief puts added strain on a bereaved parent. However, angry
outbursts or criticism only deepen a child's anxiety and delay
recovery. Instead, talk honestly with children, in terms they can
understand. Take extra time to talk with them about death and the
person who has died. Help them work through their feelings and
remember that they are looking to adults for suitable behavior.
Looking to the
Future
Remember, with support, patience and effort, you will survive
grief. Some day the pain will lessen, leaving you with cherished
memories of your loved one.
For additional resources, please call 1-800-969-NMHA.
NMHA's
Campaign for America's Mental Health works to raise awareness
that mental illnesses are common, real and treatable illnesses and
ensure that those most at-risk receive proper, timely and effective
treatment.
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